Top Ten Things I Will Do Once I Finally Patent My Plastic Gun-Shaped Reusable Tampon Applicator 'The Cooter Shooter' And Become A Billionaire:

1.  Stop buying all my jeans from Old Navy.  I will now be purchasing fat jeans from H&M.  My extravagance WILL KNOW NO BOUNDS.

2.  Start spending the extra $10 to order Thai delivery food instead of pizza sandwiches.  I realize the level of decadence is reaching inhuman heights.

3.  Start buying Burt's Bee's facial tomato cleansing toner to pair with my tomato face bar and I won't even think of returning it, even if I barely use the bottle.

4.  Buy condiments for my fridge, SO MANY CONDIMENTS.  Some I don't even need like a jar of dill-flavored honey mustard, JUST IN CASE I think of dipping a piece of cheese in something other than stone ground.

5.  Probably get my expired IUD removed.

6.  Buy three copies of A League of Their Own on VHS, not for the movie, but for the charming video-only commercial of old ladies tossing around pasta bags like they're baseballs.  It's so goddamn charming.

7.  Buy three ponies.  One to ride, one to look at and one to talk to.  Scratch that, four ponies.

8.  Create a website that only displays GIFs of Pirates of the Carribean characters Jack Sparrow and Will Turner passionately embracing.  It will be my own personal Sodom and Gomorrah.
 
9.  Spearhead a campaign to force Pizza Hut to once again sell plastic hand puppets of beloved cartoon characters.  The first run will be a '90's Nostalgia' themed collection of a mixture of The Land Before Time and Eureeka's Castle.

10.  Buy Michael Chiklis, force him to dress up as the Thing and constantly follow me around for the sole purpose of saying "It's Clobbering Time" every time it's clobbering time. 

WELCOME TO MY BABYLON.

Star Trek vs. Star Wars!

Around the time of the release of J.J. Abrams' Star Trek Into Darkness, I wrote this piece on the eternal Star Trek vs. Star Wars debate for nerdcentric blog HaveYouNerd.com.  It's loosely based on a joke I wrote after getting bullied by a Star Wars fan at Emerald City Comic Con.  What side are you on?? 

Top 50 Hottest Women In Comedy...And Me!

Last night I received a Google Alert (yes, I have those set up, shut up) on my phone that informed me my name had been mentioned in a new post on lesbian and bi-sexual pop culture blog, After Ellen.com.  After Ellen interviewed me earlier this year for the Bridgetown Comedy Festival, along with a handful of other comics performing, so I at first just assumed maybe someone had made fun of my face in the comments section of that article.  I followed the link on the alert, only to shockingly find out that instead of being the butt of someone's fat joke, I had been mentioned in a new post...writer Erika Star's 50 Hot Women in Comedy List.  WHAT???  Before I could prove to myself this was a joke, I looked it over and this list is legit.  With the likes of Rhea Butcher, Emily Heller, Candy Lawrence, Ever Mainard, Morgan Murphy, Cameron Esposito, Jessi Klein, Amy Schumer, Tig Notaro and Maria Bamford, this is practically a list of the best comics in the business, period (not a pun).  I can't believe my name and goofy headshot is mentioned in the same post with all of these women I admire so much, both professionally (and attractively) and even harder to figure out is how I made it based, at least partially, on my weird face!!!  All I can say is special thanks to After Ellen and the lovely Erika Starr for even considering me for this.  This is the greatest honor I've ever received!!     

The Wonder and Risk of Comic Book and Burrito Reviews!

It just so happens that recently I became a staff writer (okay, more like regular contributor) to brand new Seattle-based culture blog, Wonder and Risk.  The blog will feature several articles on must-see local art performances, interesting personal stories and creative non-fiction.  Along with all of the aforementioned life-changing prose from much more grammatically talented writers, I'll be sneaking in some weekly reviews of stupid stuff I love!  So far I've submitted an important who, what, where of local comic book shops which will obviously change your view on the world at large!  You can read it here!  Coming up, I'll have a handy guide on what alleged authentic Mexican restaurants and food trucks have the best burritos!  Until that prize-winning piece of journalism hits the web, feel free to check out the other articles about cocktails, space and a Buddhist pilgrimage or something!

P.S. To answer your question, no, I don't know how I got this job either.