White Chocolate Kit Kats. Fucking ew.
Elicia Sanchez is a Seattle-based stand-up comedian. She is too lazy/broke to make a website. This is her blog about bullshit you won't care about.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Dear Green Lantern...
Hi. I know you're probably pretty busy right now promoting your new movie starring Ry Rey and a Gossip Girl, but there's something I need to tell you and no, it can't wait. Listen, I have to be honest. This whole time we've known eachother, I've been faking it. Every time I got excited about you, I was lying. Every time I heard the verse to your "In the darkest night..." thing, I faked that fanboy squeal. I never thought you were very cool. I still don't think you're very cool. I don't know your backstory very well and I never bothered to look into it because, well, it's boring. You want to be Superman, but you're not. You wear a giant pimp ring and carry a camping lantern. Superman's kryptonite is kryptonite. Yours is the color yellow. Yeah. Holy shit is that lame. Just think about it.
I know this is sort of harsh, but it honestly needs to be said. I was okay not openly judging you and those who love you for years because you were never much of a threat to my general enjoyment. Just always hung out at the DC Superhero party and never bothered anyone. Now, with the release of this movie, that has changed. I will no longer stand idly by and let this phallacy continue. You are not an interesting character. Even Ryan Reynolds cannot save your movie. I don't care how many times he takes off his pants and makes dick innuendos. No one cares anymore. His mystery has been solved. Anyway, if you could see fit to return to your boring ongoing comic series and non-existant other forms of advertising, it would be highly appreciated. I prefer not to see your fans outside of their basement apartments.
Thanks,
Elicia
I know this is sort of harsh, but it honestly needs to be said. I was okay not openly judging you and those who love you for years because you were never much of a threat to my general enjoyment. Just always hung out at the DC Superhero party and never bothered anyone. Now, with the release of this movie, that has changed. I will no longer stand idly by and let this phallacy continue. You are not an interesting character. Even Ryan Reynolds cannot save your movie. I don't care how many times he takes off his pants and makes dick innuendos. No one cares anymore. His mystery has been solved. Anyway, if you could see fit to return to your boring ongoing comic series and non-existant other forms of advertising, it would be highly appreciated. I prefer not to see your fans outside of their basement apartments.
Thanks,
Elicia
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Things I Learned From Pub Quizzes This Week...
As my training begins to become a Geeks Who Drink Quizmaster, I realize there is very little I know about the world at large (or anything that happened prior to the 70's). In order to spread my new wealth of random knowledge, I will share with you sporadic facts I learn after each pub quizzing experience. I should warn you, it may very well change your life (but probably not)...
Week One Random Facts:
1. Fitness guru and Vietnam protestor, Jane Fonda once won an Oscar. The movie was called, KLUTE, where she played a hooker and has (alleged) REAL on-camera sex with co-star Donald Sutherland. Gross. Side note: Donald Sutherland was once in fact, not old.
2. Batman has made philosophical statements that rival Frederick Nietzsche.
3. You should not call the doctor from Doctor Who, Doctor Who. He is simply, The Doctor (enter # here).
4. The French Open just happened and somebody won it.
5. President Theodore Roosevelt once had a badger thrown at his face and kept it as a pet because he, like all badgers, doesn't give a shit.
Week One Random Facts:
1. Fitness guru and Vietnam protestor, Jane Fonda once won an Oscar. The movie was called, KLUTE, where she played a hooker and has (alleged) REAL on-camera sex with co-star Donald Sutherland. Gross. Side note: Donald Sutherland was once in fact, not old.
2. Batman has made philosophical statements that rival Frederick Nietzsche.
3. You should not call the doctor from Doctor Who, Doctor Who. He is simply, The Doctor (enter # here).
4. The French Open just happened and somebody won it.
5. President Theodore Roosevelt once had a badger thrown at his face and kept it as a pet because he, like all badgers, doesn't give a shit.
America's Next Free Periodical Head Model!
My Head Shot |
Tristan Devin (PRoK) |
Adam Firestone (PRoK) |
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Dear X-Men...
Hi. It's Elicia. No, not Alisha. Elicia. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I liked your new prequel movie. For the most part. It was pretty cool. I guess what I should say is I wanted to let you know how much I liked the beginning of your movie, where Erik Lehnsherr (aka Magneto played by Michael Fassbender) goes around speaking different languages, breaking into banks and hunting down Nazis. That was fucking rad. Please filter any and all money you receive from the production of your new film into the making of that movie. The one you should call, Magneto: Nazi Killer. You can have that title. I promise not to sue.
Thanks again.
Your fan,
Elicia (Not Alisha) Sanchez
Thanks again.
Your fan,
Elicia (Not Alisha) Sanchez
Seattle Crypticon and Creepy Childhood Crushes
Me and Linnea! It just got savage in these streets! |
Derek Sheen and (Kool-Aid) SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS |
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