Thursday, June 16, 2011

Dear Green Lantern...

Hi.  I know you're probably pretty busy right now promoting your new movie starring Ry Rey and a Gossip Girl, but there's something I need to tell you and no, it can't wait.  Listen, I have to be honest.  This whole time we've known eachother, I've been faking it.  Every time I got excited about you, I was lying.  Every time I heard the verse to your "In the darkest night..." thing, I faked that fanboy squeal.  I never thought you were very cool.  I still don't think you're very cool.  I don't know your backstory very well and I never bothered to look into it because, well, it's boring.  You want to be Superman, but you're not.  You wear a giant pimp ring and carry a camping lantern.  Superman's kryptonite is kryptonite.  Yours is the color yellow.  Yeah.  Holy shit is that lame.  Just think about it. 

I know this is sort of harsh, but it honestly needs to be said.  I was okay not openly judging you and those who love you for years because you were never much of a threat to my general enjoyment.  Just always hung out at the DC Superhero party and never bothered anyone.  Now, with the release of this movie, that has changed.  I will no longer stand idly by and let this phallacy continue.  You are not an interesting character.  Even Ryan Reynolds cannot save your movie.  I don't care how many times he takes off his pants and makes dick innuendos.  No one cares anymore.  His mystery has been solved.  Anyway, if you could see fit to return to your boring ongoing comic series and non-existant other forms of advertising, it would be highly appreciated.  I prefer not to see your fans outside of their basement apartments.



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