Monday, December 31, 2012


I didn't die!
All in all, 2012 was a rather a weird year.  Some great things happened world wide (i.e., President Obama was re-elected, gay marriage was legalized in my home state of Washington, The Avengers movie didn't suck) and a couple of things that were just really shitty happened (the Kardashians continue to be a thing, Republicans said a bunch of horrible things about women and rape in public political settings, mass shootings became uncomfortably prominent, America's Best Dance Crew was cancelled) so and so on.  Although there are a lot of things I could talk about that were great in 2012 (since the bad ones are kind of a downer and it is a drinking night so let's not derail this tragedy train too soon), I have decided to mention for the sake of who cares, MY favorite things that happened to ME in 2012!  So, without further adieu, I give you the one countdown that will matter the least tonight, MY TOP TEN THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME IN 2012 (aka: Get ready mom because you're the only one I know that reads my blog)!


Yes, I'm wearing a scarf in the summer.
That fat hump isn't going to hide itself!
This summer, my immediate family, meaning my parents, sister, brother-in-law, niece and my then boyfriend all went on a trip together for one week in Disneyland.  This sort of sounds like a set-up for a filler Saved By the Bell episode, but it was one of the more successful family outings we've ever shared as a group!  No one got lectured for drinking too much, no one had a debate about racism, no one bled unnecessarily, no one broke up and no kids were harmed in the making of this merriment!  Just several rides, California Adventure beers, Pirate dinner shows and episodes of Storage Wars watched in total tranquility!  Also, we all spent a morning watching THE AVENGERS movie at a theater there so I didn't complain about missing it opening weekend the whole time.  I don't know how much more successful this trip could have been other than if I was able to ride the Peter Pan ride more than once or hadn't developed a phobia of strollers.  I did almost die on Soaring Over California, but we can't leave all of our bags of bullshit at home.  


Me, Corbett and Scott
This year was one of the more important years my comedy group, Children of the Atom has had since its inception.  With the introduction of new member, fellow comic and friend, SCOTT LOSSE, the remaining members, CORBETT CUMMINS and myself finally got the momentum to take the group and our shows more seriously.  With better line ups, more organization and actual COTA merchandise (we've got buttons y'all), we're practically a legit comedy group, sort of!  Thanks, SCOTT, CORBETT and FedEx/Kinkos!


Sooooo clooose.  I actually stood in his meet and greet line this year at Emerald City Comic Con for at least ten minutes before I was frightened off by a half naked smelly lady in a badly crafted Cthulhu outfit.  Oh well, there's always next year.


Kevin Clarke, Travis Vogt, Mark Allender, Me
Finally after much non-effort on my part, my most personally anticipated project ever, a monthly live version of my podcast, THE ENEMATIC CINEMATIC, finally got off the ground!  Thanks to the help of TEC regulars, filmmakers/fun dudes TRAVIS VOGT and KEVIN CLARKE who have become my regular co-hosts, producer of all productive things, MARK ALLENDER and the awesome bar that is The White Rabbit in Fremont, THE ENEMATIC CINEMATIC: LIVES!! has been a surprising somewhat success, depending on how you measure those things!  If you like bad movies and hanging out with fun weirdos, you should absolutely see this show.


Look at this craftsmanship!!
After years of scraping out sub-par comedy advertising images with my dated Microsoft Paint program on my old as shit desk PC (old as in, one of the few things I got in the "divorce"), my mother finally took pity on me and bestowed upon me the use of her new, fancy, superior laptop.  My crappy show posters are brighter and my YouTube videos run smoother thanks to her!  Adulthood achievement UNLOCKED.


What could go wrong?
Since I have been working 2 to 3 part time jobs in the past year or so, I haven't been able to see a doctor regularly because of the whole, lack of insurance thing.  During this time, my personal panic levels have peaked to an embarrassing degree involving at least one ridiculous call to 9-1-1 when I was sure I wasn't breathing anymore for no reason.  This year, I conjured the courage and made the bus trek all the way to the top of Capitol Hill for an appointment with the low-income clinic, The Country Doctor.  What I found out?  My heart is super healthy, my lungs are fine and I probably need to make an appointment with the "behavioral specialist."


Never fall asleep around friends.
Especially if they're cool.
One of the most important experiences I will take away from this year is the fact that I've met or become close with a staggering amount of really awesome people who I now consider confidants.  I'm not sure how and why these people are okay with my general presence, but here's to hoping I don't weird them out in 2013 ( i.e. GINA MAZANY, SARAH ROSKE, TRIVIASAURUS REX, SCOTT LOSSE, SARAH SKILLING, JENNIFER BURDETTE and an important reconnection with college friend ANORIA, I'm creepily talking about all of you). 


By far, one of the most amazing and memorable things I had the pleasure/opportunity to do this year was to provide comedic commentary over a live screening of BEASTMASTER at Seattle's Crypticon with fellow comedian EMMETT MONTGOMERY and the film's legendary director DON COSCARELLI!!!  As in not only director of BEASTMASTER, but also director of PHANTASM and BUBBA HO-TEP, DON COSCARELLI!!!  We sat, we laughed, we made jokes at Mark Singer's expense and I confessed to Don that as a fat kid in elementary school, BEASTMASTER was one of my favorite movies, causing me to carry around a fanny pack with stuffed foxes/wolves in it and throw them at bullies as if they were ferrets I could control with my animal telepathy and honorable friendship.  Afterward, Don hugged me and told me I was "really funny."  I ALMOST PEED MYSELF TO DEATH, you guys!!  Almost.


One afternoon, I was sitting at home, minding my business (aka watching creepy graphic crime shows alone) and I received a message on FaceBook from one of my favorite comedians, Hari Kondabolu.  This is already pretty exciting as is.  I read the message, then promptly read it over at least 14 more times.  Would I, unknown bucket of farts, Elicia Sanchez, be interested in featuring for amazingly talented and well known comedian, Hari Kondabolu at The Comedy Underground in Seattle for 6 shows in December?  Um, YES!!!  This string of shows turned out to be one of the greatest experiences I've had so far in comedy.  I realized all over again why I started doing this in the first place and I remembered what it was like to enjoy performing.  Thank you, Hari (although I've already thanked you an uncomfortably inhuman amount) and thanks SO MUCH for all my friends and family that came out to see me.  You guys are the greatest people ever.


To the death!!!
There isn't much to say about this other than I couldn't have had a more perfect day with a more perfect dude.  Sure I looked fat as hell, I barely got to eat enough tacos, my family was stuck cooking through most of the reception and it was way too hot out for mandatory Star Trek uniforms, but goddamnit if this sort of thing doesn't remind me how bizarrely lucky I am to have such rad friends and family and the coolest/hottest tall drink of water that I get to call my roommate, I don't know what weddings are supposed to be.  Even if I'm embarrassed by most of the pictures, GREATEST day of my life. 

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Your Rape Joke Sucks

I am a comedian.  I’m also a lady.  Though I can by all accounts with absolute certainty call myself a lady (it’s genetically true), I always have a slight trepidation when it comes to calling myself a comedian.  It’s not because I really suck at it (I kind of do), but because I hesitate using that term when I’m not in any way a working comedian.  It’s the same sort of feeling I have when some twenty-something tells me they’re an ‘artist.’  I have performed at several places and festivals and I’ve even managed to do feature sets for notable actual comedians, but the fact remains, I can still end up being bumped from an open mic list or relegated to a less than ten minute set at a show produced by friends of mine.  Point being, I have a couple of years of stand-up experience under my belt, but I tend to stay out of conversations about comedy and comedians with other comedians for the sole purpose that although I have an opinion, I know that it may be written off by those people based mostly on my lack of experience in their eyes.  I don’t agree, but I get it.  Comedians are, not surprisingly, a weird group of people.  I suppose I shouldn’t say ALL comedians are weird, because that probably isn’t true, but I can definitely say most of the ones I know (including myself) are in one way or another.  Maybe even more surprisingly, (depending on your views regarding the element of surprise) most comedians are also SUPER SENSITIVE.  I have heard several comics countless times say something along the lines of, “No topics are off limits.”  Agreed.  Yet, those same people will then turn around and tell you that discussing those “topics” they mentioned in their set is in fact, off limits.  Thus, this is where the discussion of shitty jokes involving sensitive topics like sexual orientation, sexism, race or rape gets complicated/hypocritical.

As a lover of comedy and as a comedian, I agree that we should have freedom onstage to say and joke about whatever we want.  I will defend that right to my grave (unless it involves being shot).  It’s something called the First Amendment.  In my pointless pre-law course days of college, I defended the Ku Klux Klan’s right to burn crosses on their property as a protected First Amendment right of free “symbolic” speech in a mock Supreme Court trial.  I won.  I’m still proud of that.  When it comes to freedoms, we must allow the bad in order to protect the good.  If we start to restrict rights based on opinions, this could lead to the restrictions of all of us and freedom becomes lost.  That being said, what I don’t understand, is the idea that you can say whatever you want, but you shouldn’t have to be held accountable for it.  I understand comedy is an art to some degree, but it is an art form laced with opinions and statements.  A racist person has the freedom to say racist things.  In the same vein, a person of color has every right to tell that person what a racist piece of shit they are.  Turns out, this freedom of speech thing works both ways.                 

I mentioned earlier that I was a lady.  That is still true.  It may have seemed pointless at the time, but I mentioned it for a reason.  As a woman, rape is a regular fear and anxiety of my existence.  That doesn’t mean that I look over my shoulder every minute expecting to be raped, but it’s a palpable fear that I will experience in certain scenarios for the remainder of my life.  Rape and sexual assault have practically become a part of puberty for most women.   You’re hyper aware that statistically, it may one day happen to you, if sadly, it hasn’t already.  I have more female friends that are rape victims than not and I myself have experienced different forms of sexual  assault throughout my pre and post adolescence and have fended off what may have lead to rape at least twice.  I don’t mean to say that in any way I’m a courageous person (I honestly found my way out of situations based largely on circumstances that involved another person entering the room) I mention this because since I’ve managed to escape a full on sexual assault up until now, I still feel this feeling of foreboding that it could still be on the horizon for me.  It is a depressing, disgusting and horrifying truth for most women.

Now, that being said, for men, this fear is slight if not non-existent.  Because women fear rape regularly and men may not, this doesn’t mean women are better people or that men haven’t been raped or can’t fathom the fear of being raped or can’t understand how terrifying brutal sexual assault is in all its forms.  What this does mean is that as women, women who have sadly experienced the horror that is sexual assault by a stranger or perceived loved one or carry the traumatizing story of a family member or friend who has experienced it or live with the constant burden of expecting it, DO NOT LIKE TO BE MOCKED ABOUT BEING RAPED, PERIOD.  Rape is NOT FUNNY.   How many fucking times does someone have to say this?  RAPE IS NOT FUNNY.  Somehow, this seems to be lost on people.  There are rape jokes that are funny, but RAPE ITSELF IS NOT FUNNY.
I’ll attempt to explain further.  What you are missing here in your hacky, dated act, comedian, is that the butt of the joke should not be the act of rape or how serious people take the act of rape.  Those jokes are not funny because those things are not funny.  Every time you say shit like, “Well, Carlin or Louis C.K. would disagree,” YOU ARE MISSING THE ENTIRE POINT OF EVERYTHING THEY WERE TRYING TO DO!  Smart comedy takes a political topic or social taboo and makes light of that topic or taboo.  Meaning, if you are attempting to make light of the horrors in the world, which is so possible and the entire purpose of great comedy as opposed to generic jokes, make fun of the actual horrible thing.  You are not making fun of rape by making fun of rape victims or how serious people take rape.  Since when should rape not be taken seriously?  What you are doing in both scenarios is mocking women for being raped or fearing rape.  How is this making light of a horrible thing?  If you didn’t know, women not only have to deal with the fear or the act of rape, but also have to deal with this shitty sexist culture that tells us it’s no big deal or that it was somehow our fault.  You know how you actually make people feel better about horrible things like rape and sexist rape culture?  You mock the rapist.  You mock the very idea that rape isn’t a big deal.  That’s how.  You attack the social norms that rape is the fault of the victim and that women should just relax about the whole rape thing.  You know who could really use a laugh about something as controversial and heavy as rape?  WOMEN.  Women are the ones that need you to make light of something so dark for them.  So keep that in mind when you tell your rape joke onstage because honestly, do you want to tell a joke mocking rape victims where the only ones in the crowd laughing are men that agree that rape isn’t a big deal or that women had that shit coming?

I have some rape jokes in my act.  Some I used to tell and some I still do.  Recently I wrote a bit that was based on something that really happened to me.  I was working a late shift at work and had walked over to a local sandwich place on my lunch break.  On the way back to work, a truck started driving really slow beside me as I walked on the sidewalk.  The guy on the passenger side rolled down his window and shouted at me, “You’re so fucking lucky, bitch!  You’re so fucking lucky!”  Then they slowly drove by.  This experience, especially in the moments leading up to him rolling down the window and pausing before they drove away, was FUCKING TERRIFYING.  In that moment, I had that thought most women have in scenarios such as these which was, “These guys are going to rape me.”  The joke I wrote based off the experience went like this:

“…Then, the guy in the passenger side (who is clearly a scrub) rolls down the window and shouts at me, ‘You’re so fucking lucky, bitch! You’re so fucking lucky!’ and they proceed to just…drive off.   So then of course I thought to myself…what did I win?  It couldn’t have been the sandwich I was carrying because I paid for that shit.  Did I win NOT getting sexually assaulted by these gentlemen in this truck?  Like, were they up the street saying to themselves, ‘Oh, we’re totally going to rape this person’ and then when they rolled up thought ‘Wow, you’re so fucking lucky you’re ugly in the face because this rape was IMMINENT from a block away!”

My point to mention that joke isn’t to promote it, I’m not necessarily proud of it or anything, I’m just making the point that I make rape jokes too.  I’m not saying this is an example of a good rape joke, I’m not even saying it’s a good joke.  What I am saying is I made a joke about it because this is a common experience women have and I wanted to make light of something we all fear.  The good news is, it didn’t happen.  The bad news is, we live in a society where that was my first thought.  Jokes involving rape are not in any way off limits in my mind to women OR MEN.  But people have to be responsible for what they say, while still being allowed to say it.  Comedy is in no way, above this.  All I ask, all any decent person asks from your rape jokes is one thing, be smart, but most of all BE FUNNY.    

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Did You Know Racism Is Funny? It Is! Just Ask This Young White Lady Who Calls Her Boyfriend A Spic As A Joke!

This is Kyria Abrahams.
She has a GREAT sense of humor
Recently, a writer for the blog Jezebel, Lindy West, penned an article entitled "A Complete Guide to Hipster Racism." The article addresses the trend of young, seemingly intelligent people making racist comments and jokes in an "ironic" way, thought of as "making fun" of racism, therefore it's considered among those that do it, not to be racist.  Lindy West proceeds to tear this ignorant idiocy a new asshole.   It's brilliant.  You should read it.

Not surprisingly, but still sadly, Lindy is receiving a lot of criticism from racists, wanna-bes and that group of people whining they should be able to call their black friends 'n*****' as a joke if they want to without anyone thinking they're assholes.  All that stupidity aside, one blogger took her distaste for Lindy's logic to an even more distasteful level.  Kyria Abrahams, writer of a book and other blog entries at some point, wrote a response to Lindy West's article on the blog Street Carnage she entitled, "The Myth of Hipster Racism."  In it, she not only proves she's a complete clueless idiot, but also takes the "my black friend says it's okay" argument to new extremes, managing to do nothing but prove Lindy's point that 'hipster racism' is alive and well and very, very fucking stupid.  

I wrote a long, impassioned response to Kyria's article that I attempted to post via it's comment thread.  It was rejected three times.  Meanwhile, long responses in which internet trolls call Lindy 'fat' and make such eloquent points as 'get rid of the n*****s," remain to keep the discourse fair and balanced.  From there I decided to send my response to Kyria via e-mail.  I haven't heard back.  Continuing the tradition of posting open letters to people on this blog they will never read, here is my response to this shitty article in full.

Dear Kyria Abrahams,

Thanks for posting the picture of your either Spanish or Puerto Rican (you seemed confused) boyfriend to in fact prove to your readers that you are being like, totally honest when you say you are totally willing to fuck a colored person whose ethnicity apparently constantly preoccupies your mind.  This article is incredibly sad to me.  It was such a breath of fresh air to have someone finally mention how shitty it is to think you can get away with making racist jokes under the guise of you don't mean it to actually be racist.  Then, of course, heroes like you hear the term 'white privilege' and words like 'you shouldn't' and flip out because you can't stop being told that the hateful shit you say meaning to be edgy, but don't intend to be hateful shit is indeed hateful shit.  I get it.  You don't want to think you're a shitty hateful person.  No one wants to think that about themselves.  When white people hear the word "racist" they think, I can't be racist because I don't hate people for who they are.  Maybe you don't, but also, maybe you should stop to think when publishing things like: 

"Why? Because he’s not a pathetic, overly sensitive minority who is nothing more than a victim to the white hipsters in his immediate environment. He’s a self-actualized man who can tell the difference between real racism (like when he was falsely accused of shoplifting as a teenager) and joke racism (like gifted soap)."

What is this?  The 'if I accept I'm a victim, I'm saying I'm weak' scenario?  If I'm proud of my ethnicity, therefore I don't stand for people to shit on it for no reason and especially for a cheap laugh, than I'm not "self-actualized"?  So because I don't appreciate when I show up to something a few minutes late and a white person says, "Someone is on colored people time" as a joke, than I'm "pathetic"?  Because I don't like comments made to remind me that I'm part of a racial minority that is stereotyped, underrepresented, mistreated and oppressed (actions I don't wish to enable or allow) than I'm "overly sensitive"?

The act of speaking out against racism in any fashion as a minority is the MOST 'self-actualized' thing you can do.  To confront white friends (at the risk of being told you're 'over sensitive' or 'uppity') that their constant jokes regarding your ethnicity are showing clear signs they are weirdly preoccupied with it and that the shit they say is racist whether they mean it hatefully or not, is anything but victimizing yourself.  Especially when this new 'hip' idea of making fun of racism by making racist comments to friends or in your case, the person you date, is so prevalent.   

Your thought process here is so incredibly hurtful and disheartening.  I honestly don't want to say anything to belittle or attack you personally.  I wish you could just wake up and see how devastatingly wrong you are.  You obviously seem to have some intelligence and have the ability to write and spread your opinions, yet you've chosen to use that ability to defend the use of the word 'spic,' to tell minorities to stop being sensitive and complaining about racism and to copy and paste someone's quote on their right as a non-black person to use the n-word.  

Please be aware that you can't possibly know what it feels like to be called a 'spic' or the 'n-word.'  Those words will never carry the weight with you that they do for Hispanic and Black people in this country.  There is a hurtful and hateful history behind those words.  It's similar to when a man is angry with a woman and calls her a 'bitch.'  It's not just a word.  It's a reminder of your place in society.  It's being told that you're nothing.  You're less than nothing.  You're second-class.  So no, I don't think it's oversensitive to not want to see it in a card from someone I love.  

The really sad part of your article was that you wrote it to prove that you are not racist and ironic racism is totally okay when if fact, all you've really proven here is that Lindy West is right.  This new form of 'naive' racism is just as fucking hurtful, except now as a minority experiencing it, you're not allowed to confront these hateful words because the speaker can cover their comments with "it's just a joke."  In your great new form of racial humor, as minorities, we are meant to feel badly about feeling badly. Thanks to the false idea of 'ironic racism' you don't only hear 'spic' from the random old racist you encounter, but from a friend or loved one your age who is supposed to care about you.  What a great cause to so enthusiastically put all your white privilege behind in order to defend.  


Elicia Sanchez

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Food Fight: Episode 1: Attack Of The Passive Aggressive College Dorm Note Leaving!

Refrigerate after opening.
For anyone that has ever bothered to listen to my stand up either in person or by mere coincidence, to you I say, thank you.  Also, I'm sorry it wasn't what you dreamed of or what you wanted or what it was.  Also, I don't know why I'm making this apology vaguely sexual.  Either or, if you have heard any of my stand up, you may be aware that I have a joke about a person at my office job establishment that is a serious fridge Nazi.  I understand the comparison is weak at best, but besides using the term Nazi to describe historically accurate human atrocities, I'm pretty sure I can use it to describe someone being uptight and territorial about refrigerator space.  I'm pretty sure.

Like I was saying before I was rudely interrupted by my own logic, said member of the Third Reich takes SERIOUS issue when anyone in the office leaves anything in the shared refrigerator longer than 24 hours without properly labeling their food items with precise person name and food birth/death date attached via permanent marking devices.  This is in fact SO GODDAMN IMPORTANT that in the past, when I've ignorantly and viciously left bottles of hot sauce just like, OUT and NOT IN THE FRIDGE, previously mentioned She-Wolf of the S.S. will place these bottles of spice and vinegar that require absolutely no refrigeration, within the confines of the shared office refrigerator for the sole purpose of leaving a passive aggressive college dorm-like note upon them that reads, "Who do these belong to?" in a tone I can only assume is fraught with panic and anxiety.

I initially responded to this act of war with tolerance and understanding, merely removing the panicked Post-it and marking each bottle with my namesake.  The expiration was left out due to the fact it was currently typed already on each bottle.  I feel this was a kind and fair gesture.  A peace flag in a world of wrongs, plagued by insecurity and imagined limited space.  Surely they will see that I meant no harm.  I only wish to eat bland burritos at my desk in peace.  Sadly, as of today, this truce was ignored.

Look at this full ass freezer!!  My bacon box is
practically SUFFOCATING those bagel dogs!!!
Jesus Christ, how did I let this happen??!
Last Tuesday, I made the mistake of purchasing a small thin box of fake bacon from my local trader of Joes.  As if that wasn't bad enough,  I then had the unmitigated fucking GAUL to leave my box of fake bacon in the shared freezer at work for like, 76 hours.  Who the FUCK do I think I am?  Someone beyond personal penmanship requirements?  Someone that is not only too good to eat real pork products, but too good to proudly attach my name to my condescending soy protein impostors as well?  Someone that works in this office and has use of this shared refrigerator space legitimately?  Yes.  Turns out, I am ALL of those people.

Don't worry though.  I got mine.  When I opened the freezer this morning at my office intending to microwave up some strips of lies, I was promptly presented with a brightly colored threat.

That's right.  Bets are off.  Gloves are gone.
How did I handle this clear act of terrorism?  The only way a person who has in fact lived in a college dorm with six female strangers can.  I responded via passive aggressive note of my own.

Initially, that did say, "Please Don't Touch My Food," but I decided it's time to drop the act.
The first stone has been thrown, my friends.  Winter is here.  Now, the only thing we can look forward to in the coming days will be massive bloodshed.  Straight up, massive bloodshed.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Today In "Brandom Thoughts"...

Today's "Brandom Thought" brought to you by 90's R&B singer Brandy.

My Contempleliciation?  Werd.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012


You *guys!  Rewind This!, a documentary about the history and culture surrounding VHS tapes, distribution, art and nostalgia, is currently in the post-production stage!  Created from the brains and tireless work of Josh Johnson, Carolee Mitchell and Christopher Palmer of Austin, TX based IPF Productions, this upcoming definitive documentary about the home video cinema includes interviews with Cassandra Peterson (aka Elvira!), Lloyd Kaufman (Founder of Troma Entertainment!), Charles Band (Founder of Full Moon Features) and more!

Carolee, Josh and Christopher at
Troma with Lloyd Kaufman!
If you have some extra change lying around, I suggest you make a donation to help this film into completion rather than a donation to your local McDonalds.  Why am I pushing this so hard?  I love shitty movies.  I love shitty movie art.  I love shitty movies and shitty movie art on VHS.  So hard.  If you don't believe me, see my sister site: The Enematic Cinematic.  **Oh and I'm totally interviewed in this documentary too!

Douchebaggery finally properly captured
on the silver screen!
*You're right.  It's shitty of me to assume only men read my blog.  Also, it's probably shitty of me to assume plural people read my blog.  You dear reader are the only one that matters to me, whether you be man, woman, trans, non-identifying or my mom.  Hi mom.

**Unless my scenes are cut.  Which is LIKELY, but for now, I'm TOTALLY in the trailer!

Things I Learned From Pub Quiz This Week!

Even smart people can learn things while drinking and hosting trivia!  Here is some science that dropped on me this Sunday at my Geeks Who Drink Quiz...You're welcome. 

1. Cyndi Lauper
is responsible for the singing voice in the theme song to Pee Wee's Playhouse. Wacky!

2. "The Way" by Fastball is quite possibly the WORST song ever sung by a human.  Quite possibly.  Deciding this would require a back to back listening of "Allstar" by Smashmouth and "The Way." I will never do this.

3. I pronounce the word "milk" like "melk." I don't know what this means since I am not Canadian.

4. I mispronounce the word "boson." This has nothing to do with an accent and everything to do with me being stupid.

Oh Aloysius, you randy nutter butter!
5. Some people think Nicholas Cage is a bad actor.

6. There is a castle in New York City in Central Park. *It is named after the world's second most famous butler after Alfred, Mr. Belvedere.

P.S. This is not a fact since Alfred is not a real person like Mr. Belvedere was.

More pointless knowledge coming next week!