Adventures At The Bridgetown Comedy Festival As Re-Told In Numeric Values!

Just got back from the Bridgetown Comedy Festival in Portland and Jesus Christ was it the best thing I've done since the last thing I did that was that awesome (which is not coming to mind at this moment).  If you're a comedian, a comedy fan or a regular person, DO IT NEXT YEAR.  In the meantime, here are my tallies from the festival!

People I saw puking into a trash can: 1
Amount of times I hit my mouth with a microphone: 1
Famous people I danced next to: 4
A stripper told me my Star Trek shirt was awesome: 1
Comics that used "hashtag" as a punchline: 4
Bad edible drug trips people I knew had: 3
Cocktails I ordered with room service: 1 

Awesome interactions with comedy idols: 5
Awkward interactions with comedy idols: 5
Times I beat another comic at Rival Schools: 6
Comedian used the phrase "Your baby is as big as a ramp.": 1
Slices of pizza I consumed: 19
Heckler yelled, "Tell a vegan joke!": 1

Singles I gave  to the dancers at Magic Gardens: 6
Donuts I ate: 2
Bacon cookies I had: 1/2
Money I spent when drunk comic book shopping: $40
Couples I saw that made out and then slow danced during brunch somewhere: 1
People smoking electric cigarettes indoors: 3
Amount of times I thought I'd meet Laura Kightlinger: 0
Amount of times I met Laura Kightlinger: 1
Nudity perpetuated by comedians: 3

Amount of times I got to sing along to a Kelly Clarkson song at full volume next to two of my comedy heroes: 1
Awesome people I met that I want to be friends with for life: INFINITY
Dick jokes that Gallagher told me while spinning around on a sign post: 1

COMING AT 'CHA, IN SPICY NEWS!

This past weekend, while visiting in Portlandia to perform some comedy shows, I had the pleasure and pain of doing a guest spot on one of my FAVORITE comedy web series, THE SPICY NEWS.  If you haven't heard of it, Spicy News is a weekly pop culture wrap up where comedians act as fake news anchors.  Sure, this isn't the first show like that, but the difference here is, before reading their one-liners, the comedians have to eat an ENTIRE, RAW HABANERO PEPPER.  Try to tell a Kardashian pun with your face on flames.  The Portland-based show features several local comics as well as visiting performers and more household names such as Ron Funches and (my favorite person) Kyle Kinane.  The Spicy News Network also offers other delights such as SPICY INTERVIEWS in which comedians are forced to ask each other pointless questions after both have eaten a habanero (you can check out the greatest example of this featuring comedians Chris Thayer and Pete Holmes here).  So without further adieu, here is my dance with the devil aka my episode of The Spicy News...

   

Forf of July

Things I like to do to celebrate "independence" or whatever...

1.  Make sure I sustain a joint injury, preferably something along the lines of road rash in a necessary area such as right knee a few nights prior so any sort of long term standing and/or walking long distances will assuredly be painful.  

2.  Work my part time customer service job until 9:00 PM, requiring 8 hours of continuous standing with intervals of stair climbing and knee bending.

3.  Attend a 4th of July party after my shift that requires I walk several blocks.

4.  Make it to the party just in time to see the beginning of the fireworks, grab a drink and a plate of delicious food.

5.  Break off a tooth after two bites.

6.  Leave the party I just walked to in pain, slightly embarrassed and hungry, then walk the hour long walk home, missing the firework show.

Happy Fourth of July!!!!