Thursday, June 16, 2011

Something That Didn't Need To Happen...

White Chocolate Kit Kats.  Fucking ew.

Dear Green Lantern...

Hi.  I know you're probably pretty busy right now promoting your new movie starring Ry Rey and a Gossip Girl, but there's something I need to tell you and no, it can't wait.  Listen, I have to be honest.  This whole time we've known eachother, I've been faking it.  Every time I got excited about you, I was lying.  Every time I heard the verse to your "In the darkest night..." thing, I faked that fanboy squeal.  I never thought you were very cool.  I still don't think you're very cool.  I don't know your backstory very well and I never bothered to look into it because, well, it's boring.  You want to be Superman, but you're not.  You wear a giant pimp ring and carry a camping lantern.  Superman's kryptonite is kryptonite.  Yours is the color yellow.  Yeah.  Holy shit is that lame.  Just think about it. 

I know this is sort of harsh, but it honestly needs to be said.  I was okay not openly judging you and those who love you for years because you were never much of a threat to my general enjoyment.  Just always hung out at the DC Superhero party and never bothered anyone.  Now, with the release of this movie, that has changed.  I will no longer stand idly by and let this phallacy continue.  You are not an interesting character.  Even Ryan Reynolds cannot save your movie.  I don't care how many times he takes off his pants and makes dick innuendos.  No one cares anymore.  His mystery has been solved.  Anyway, if you could see fit to return to your boring ongoing comic series and non-existant other forms of advertising, it would be highly appreciated.  I prefer not to see your fans outside of their basement apartments.



Thursday, June 9, 2011

Things I Learned From Pub Quizzes This Week...

As my training begins to become a Geeks Who Drink Quizmaster, I realize there is very little I know about the world at large (or anything that happened prior to the 70's).  In order to spread my new wealth of random knowledge, I will share with you sporadic facts I learn after each pub quizzing experience.  I should warn you, it may very well change your life (but probably not)...

Week One Random Facts:

1.  Fitness guru and Vietnam protestor, Jane Fonda once won an Oscar.  The movie was called, KLUTE, where she played a hooker and has (alleged) REAL on-camera sex with co-star Donald Sutherland.  Gross.  Side note: Donald Sutherland was once in fact, not old.

2.  Batman has made philosophical statements that rival Frederick Nietzsche.

3.  You should not call the doctor from Doctor Who, Doctor Who.  He is simply, The Doctor (enter # here).

4.  The French Open just happened and somebody won it.

5.  President Theodore Roosevelt once had a badger thrown at his face and kept it as a pet because he, like all badgers, doesn't give a shit.

Something That Didn't Need To Happen...

This.  Gross.

America's Next Free Periodical Head Model!

My Head Shot
The city of Seattle has two widely circulated free papers.  One is the hipster-backed and consumed The Stranger.  The other is, The Seattle Weekly.  The Weekly is sort of Seattle's VH1 to The Stranger's MTV.  I'm pretty sure people read the Weekly, just not as often and less cocaine use is required.  Each year, both papers release their annual "Summer Guide" which gives Seattle residents the insider info on the best happy hours, concerts, eateries and just shit to do when it's nice outside.

Tristan Devin (PRoK)
 This year, The Seattle Weekly contacted local comedy troupe, The People's Republic of Komedy to lend them some decent-faced comedians to use for their "Summer Guide" photo spread.  The requirements to be asked were pretty simple.  You needed to have a Friday afternoon off.  Thankfully for the greater Seattle area, my face did indeed have that particular Friday off, so when I was contacted by PRoK member, Tristan Devin to participate, I wholeheartedly (and headidly) agreed.

Adam Firestone (PRoK)
My very first glamorous photo shoot involved water balloon fights, lots of sitting around, oyster shooters, taking my top off in an alley, protecting the stylists' bags of stuff from being riffled through by a meth head, chugging beers in the street in order to use the empty cans and blowing a gum bubble at least forty two times before they could get a decent shot.  I had lock jaw for a whole day afterward.  In sum, it was a pretty awesome experience.  Thank you to The Seattle Weekly crew, photographer Josh (thank you for your patience regarding my blow job), stylist Heather (sorry for sweating in your shirt), art director Boo and PRoK for asking me and my head to participate!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Dear X-Men...

Hi.  It's Elicia.  No, not Alisha.  Elicia.  Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I liked your new prequel movie.  For the most part.  It was pretty cool.  I guess what I should say is I wanted to let you know how much I liked the beginning of your movie, where Erik Lehnsherr (aka Magneto played by Michael Fassbender) goes around speaking different languages, breaking into banks and hunting down Nazis.  That was fucking rad.  Please filter any and all money you receive from the production of your new film into the making of that movie.  The one you should call, Magneto: Nazi Killer.  You can have that title.  I promise not to sue.

Thanks again.

Your fan,

Elicia (Not Alisha) Sanchez

Seattle Crypticon and Creepy Childhood Crushes

Me and Linnea!  It just got savage in these streets!
The last weekend in May marked my very first experience at Seattle's annual all kinds of horror festival known as Crypticon.  I was asked by the uber funny person and a buddy of mine, Derek Sheen, to do a small comedy show with him along with fellow Seattle comics, Emmett Montgomery, Travis Vogt and David TV.  The Con, which took place at The Hilton Hotel in SeaTac, treated us to topless chubby goth women, the selling of real human skulls, kool-aid shots and horror movie celebrities.

Derek Sheen and (Kool-Aid)
I was able to meet Chop Top, get pictures with my childhood crush (probably bad parenting involved in there) Linnea Quigley and got hit on by Andy from Child's Play!  Plus, they had a industrial dance night thing after our show (which competed with a S&M slave auction in the room next door) with free booze!  I'm coming back next year for sure!