Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Something That Didn't Need To Happen...

Fuck you Twilight. You have managed to make every movie studio turn two of my favorite classic movie monsters into whiny fucking dick farts for at least the next four years.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Forf of July

Things I like to do to celebrate "independence" or whatever...

1.  Make sure I sustain a joint injury, preferably something along the lines of road rash in a necessary area such as right knee a few nights prior so any sort of long term standing and/or walking long distances will assuredly be painful.  

2.  Work my part time customer service job until 9:00 PM, requiring 8 hours of continuous standing with intervals of stair climbing and knee bending.

3.  Attend a 4th of July party after my shift that requires I walk several blocks.

4.  Make it to the party just in time to see the beginning of the fireworks, grab a drink and a plate of delicious food.

5.  Break off a tooth after two bites.

6.  Leave the party I just walked to in pain, slightly embarrassed and hungry, then walk the hour long walk home, missing the firework show.

Happy Fourth of July!!!! 

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Something That Didn't Need To Happen...

White Chocolate Kit Kats.  Fucking ew.

Dear Green Lantern...

Hi.  I know you're probably pretty busy right now promoting your new movie starring Ry Rey and a Gossip Girl, but there's something I need to tell you and no, it can't wait.  Listen, I have to be honest.  This whole time we've known eachother, I've been faking it.  Every time I got excited about you, I was lying.  Every time I heard the verse to your "In the darkest night..." thing, I faked that fanboy squeal.  I never thought you were very cool.  I still don't think you're very cool.  I don't know your backstory very well and I never bothered to look into it because, well, it's boring.  You want to be Superman, but you're not.  You wear a giant pimp ring and carry a camping lantern.  Superman's kryptonite is kryptonite.  Yours is the color yellow.  Yeah.  Holy shit is that lame.  Just think about it. 

I know this is sort of harsh, but it honestly needs to be said.  I was okay not openly judging you and those who love you for years because you were never much of a threat to my general enjoyment.  Just always hung out at the DC Superhero party and never bothered anyone.  Now, with the release of this movie, that has changed.  I will no longer stand idly by and let this phallacy continue.  You are not an interesting character.  Even Ryan Reynolds cannot save your movie.  I don't care how many times he takes off his pants and makes dick innuendos.  No one cares anymore.  His mystery has been solved.  Anyway, if you could see fit to return to your boring ongoing comic series and non-existant other forms of advertising, it would be highly appreciated.  I prefer not to see your fans outside of their basement apartments.



Thursday, June 9, 2011

Things I Learned From Pub Quizzes This Week...

As my training begins to become a Geeks Who Drink Quizmaster, I realize there is very little I know about the world at large (or anything that happened prior to the 70's).  In order to spread my new wealth of random knowledge, I will share with you sporadic facts I learn after each pub quizzing experience.  I should warn you, it may very well change your life (but probably not)...

Week One Random Facts:

1.  Fitness guru and Vietnam protestor, Jane Fonda once won an Oscar.  The movie was called, KLUTE, where she played a hooker and has (alleged) REAL on-camera sex with co-star Donald Sutherland.  Gross.  Side note: Donald Sutherland was once in fact, not old.

2.  Batman has made philosophical statements that rival Frederick Nietzsche.

3.  You should not call the doctor from Doctor Who, Doctor Who.  He is simply, The Doctor (enter # here).

4.  The French Open just happened and somebody won it.

5.  President Theodore Roosevelt once had a badger thrown at his face and kept it as a pet because he, like all badgers, doesn't give a shit.

Something That Didn't Need To Happen...

This.  Gross.

America's Next Free Periodical Head Model!

My Head Shot
The city of Seattle has two widely circulated free papers.  One is the hipster-backed and consumed The Stranger.  The other is, The Seattle Weekly.  The Weekly is sort of Seattle's VH1 to The Stranger's MTV.  I'm pretty sure people read the Weekly, just not as often and less cocaine use is required.  Each year, both papers release their annual "Summer Guide" which gives Seattle residents the insider info on the best happy hours, concerts, eateries and just shit to do when it's nice outside.

Tristan Devin (PRoK)
 This year, The Seattle Weekly contacted local comedy troupe, The People's Republic of Komedy to lend them some decent-faced comedians to use for their "Summer Guide" photo spread.  The requirements to be asked were pretty simple.  You needed to have a Friday afternoon off.  Thankfully for the greater Seattle area, my face did indeed have that particular Friday off, so when I was contacted by PRoK member, Tristan Devin to participate, I wholeheartedly (and headidly) agreed.

Adam Firestone (PRoK)
My very first glamorous photo shoot involved water balloon fights, lots of sitting around, oyster shooters, taking my top off in an alley, protecting the stylists' bags of stuff from being riffled through by a meth head, chugging beers in the street in order to use the empty cans and blowing a gum bubble at least forty two times before they could get a decent shot.  I had lock jaw for a whole day afterward.  In sum, it was a pretty awesome experience.  Thank you to The Seattle Weekly crew, photographer Josh (thank you for your patience regarding my blow job), stylist Heather (sorry for sweating in your shirt), art director Boo and PRoK for asking me and my head to participate!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Dear X-Men...

Hi.  It's Elicia.  No, not Alisha.  Elicia.  Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I liked your new prequel movie.  For the most part.  It was pretty cool.  I guess what I should say is I wanted to let you know how much I liked the beginning of your movie, where Erik Lehnsherr (aka Magneto played by Michael Fassbender) goes around speaking different languages, breaking into banks and hunting down Nazis.  That was fucking rad.  Please filter any and all money you receive from the production of your new film into the making of that movie.  The one you should call, Magneto: Nazi Killer.  You can have that title.  I promise not to sue.

Thanks again.

Your fan,

Elicia (Not Alisha) Sanchez

Seattle Crypticon and Creepy Childhood Crushes

Me and Linnea!  It just got savage in these streets!
The last weekend in May marked my very first experience at Seattle's annual all kinds of horror festival known as Crypticon.  I was asked by the uber funny person and a buddy of mine, Derek Sheen, to do a small comedy show with him along with fellow Seattle comics, Emmett Montgomery, Travis Vogt and David TV.  The Con, which took place at The Hilton Hotel in SeaTac, treated us to topless chubby goth women, the selling of real human skulls, kool-aid shots and horror movie celebrities.

Derek Sheen and (Kool-Aid)
I was able to meet Chop Top, get pictures with my childhood crush (probably bad parenting involved in there) Linnea Quigley and got hit on by Andy from Child's Play!  Plus, they had a industrial dance night thing after our show (which competed with a S&M slave auction in the room next door) with free booze!  I'm coming back next year for sure!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Bridgetown Comedy Festival And Other Drunken Things

This last weekend I attended my very first Bridgetown Comedy Festival in Portland, Oregon.  I don't make visits to the PDX all that often, generally only when I visit two of my close friends (also known as bridesman/maid from my first failed wedding) Tim and Carli.  Buddies of mine whom I met when we all lived in the zine-making/secret cafe/dumpster diving/punk house/hippie commune which is our state's capitol, Olympia, Washington.  Fortunately for all of us, they moved down to a bigger, less government official filled version of Olympia in Portland and I moved up to the similar style with more Ethiopian restaurants version known as Seattle.

The Bridgetown Comedy Festival, now only in it's third year, felt like a city-wide staple.  Most events were fairly crowded, but never in a completely uncomfortable way (although I was drunk most of the time so comfort zones were non-existent).  Not only was I able to witness back to back comedy for four long days with the likes of Kyle Kinane, Jimmy Dore, Doug Benson, Moshe Kasher and Margaret Cho, but I met and saw now new favorites, Emily Heller, Nikki Glaser, Hannibal Buress and Paul Danke.

Comedy aside, Portland is full of cheap and delicious food.  I probably ate more gyros and pizza than I have in all of my twenties.  It was awesome.  Not only that, but good beer, weird ass novelty shops, awesome comic book stores and a giant retro-style arcade filled with 80's-90's arcade staples and pinball machines.  Some people leave their hearts in San Francisco, I left a high score on the Streetfighter II machine at Ground Control in Portland.  Sure a couple of the theaters I sat in smelled like garlic and BO, but I had lots of fun drunkenly doing time at the Tanker open mic, was able to spend time with old friends, bought some pretty sweet trade paperback comics including Henry & Glenn Forever, ate pre-mentioned foods and had a drunken conversation with Kyle Kinane (and yes, most of what I did was drunken while there).  Oh Portland, you definitely put a bird on it.          

Saturday, April 16, 2011

It's Gettin' Severe Up In Hare

"Gentlemen, start your engines and may the best woman win!"
I recently discovered RuPaul's Drag Race, also known as my new reason to not kill myself this month.  It is the shit.  It took me about a week of treadmill running while playing, work-time headphone office viewing and some lonely Saturday nights in front of my computer, but I've FINALLY caught up from Season 1 to the final three queens ready to battle for the crown in the soon to be finale of Season 3.  Shit is fierce you guys.  If you aren't familiar, it's a reality competition show hosted by infamous pretty lady-faced drag elder RuPaul in which drag queens from all over the country compete in dancing, lip-synching, gown-making, nude portrait taking, crazy-ass challenges.

One day the queens have to make dresses out of wigs.  One day they might have to sell coupons for cherry pie on the street.  One day they might have to participate in a fake game show as a celebrity impression of their choice.  The crazy shit is endless.  Most importantly, for the bitches that don't bring it, in order to save themselves from being sent home, they have to "lip sync...for their life."  This show is genius.  It's Project Runway, American Idol and America's Next Top Model rolled into one glittery dick-tucked amaze ball.  Not only do I LOVE the fuck out of this show, it has inspired me creatively, metaphorically and fashion-wise so I decided to cut my hair weird.  That's right.  You better WORK!

Thursday, March 31, 2011

And Now Coming To The Stage...Comedianne....

I might be fairly new at stand up comedy, but I'm completely versed in the experience of being treated unequally as a woman in a hobby or interest that I love.   Not that I mean to say that these are the only times I experience sexism,  but they're often the most frustrating and hurtful.  There is a feeling of commradery amongst those whom you share a common interest with, a feeling of belonging.  Unfortunately in these cases, that feeling is completely shattered by archaic, ignorant notions that for some reason because you are a woman you must be and think one way.

As a kid it started as simple as this...I am a girl and I liked to climb things.  Apparently, my weak girl arms and my limited view of adventuring (which of course must surround Barbie weddings and teddy bear tea parties) meant that I shouldn't be climbing trees.  If I ever challenged a boy my age to prove this notion and let's say, was completely willing and able to climb said tree, I was then considered "good for a girl" and received the term "tomboy".  You know, because if you're a girl and you're good at something boys do then you're not living proof that these stereotypes about women everywhere are complete bullshit, but instead a stand out case of a singular woman being able to rise above the lesser gender she was so unfortunately born into.

Later in life it was my love of video games.  If I was able to beat a boy at Street Fighter, I was obviously just mashing buttons.  I was even told at one point that I was not allowed to sign up for a video game tournament at a gaming store by the owner due to the fact that his customers, "...won't be happy about losing to a girl."   This of course is not where this bullshit ends.  When I worked at a comic book store it was assumed I had no in depth knowledge concerning comic history.  Customers would often turn to male employees without even bothering to ask me questions at all.  How the hell did they think I got that fucking job?

Another love of mine throughout my life has been stand up comedy.  I've been watching both live comedy and stand up specials since I was very young.  I always wanted to be a stand up comic, but besides various reasons as to why I hadn't tried until recently, there was always one glaring problem I had with comedy in general.  I understand that comedy is a reflection of societal structures and beliefs and a lot of those beliefs I don't agree with, but it is still hard for me to watch people that I have admired my whole life tell me that because I am a woman, I am beneath them.

People might tell me that I should respect opinions, but I don't believe treating people equally is an opinion.  It should be common sense to believe that everyone should be treated equally.  It's just the right thing to do.  It's basic human logic to not think all people of one race, gender, sexuality, etc act and think all the same.  That is simply impossible.  Sexism, racism and homophobia is blatantly anti-intellectual.  My race, gender or sexuality in no way determine my personality on a basic scientific basis.  No one's does.  Personality is based on at least 70% environment and if you attempt to factor genetics such as race, gender or sexuality in there, the only reason it might is due to societal views on them.

I've had to endure this treatment with everything I enjoy.  I know this is a symptom of the sexist society we live in, but I'm fucking sick and tired of it.  I'm not making these statements about my interests to in any way say that I'm "cooler than most girls" or that I don't consider myself a "girlie girl."  I am a girl.  No matter how many comic books I read, video games I play, monetary things I don't give a shit about, girls nights I don't have, cats I don't own, Sex in the City movies I don't see or periods I skip I will always be a girl and I'm not the only girl like this.

So stop telling us that all women "do" or "say" "this" bullshit.  I'm tired of these generalities about women.  IT'S NOT FUCKING TRUE and most importantly, IT'S NOT FUCKING FUNNY.  I'm tired of being lumped into a certain brand of comedy just because of my gender.  Please do not call women "female comics" and PLEASE do not use the word "comedianne."  Do so and expect to get a used tampon thrown at your face.    

The 80's Are Back...To Haunt Your Fucking Dreams!

I just learned how to safely download YouTube videos!  Now the quote compilation and fat ladies falling DVDs are imminent!  Also, I'll be able to compile clips of the live action Teddy Ruxpin movie and My Pet Monster into one continuing uninterrupted fucked up experience!!!  YESS!!!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

General Thoughts

There are two things I generally think about every day.

1.  What I'm going to eat next.

2.  How fat I am.

I'm not sure if the two have a correlation.  That is not really one of the things I generally think about.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Showcase Show Thing and SLEEEEPPP....


Children of the Atom officially have our first showcase on Wednesday, February 2 at Seattle's Comedy Underground!  Fuck yeah.  Hopefully I can get out of work in order to host it. 

Also, I need to sleep.  Like, more.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Pizza, Desk Adventures and Top Ramen Hair

The debut of the new weekly comedy show Incubation happened last night, produced by my comedy group Children of the Atom and created/hosted by my bunny-obsessed buddy Barbara Holm.  The show was great, but my signif was too kind and decided to leave behind a debit card for me while he is in L.A.  Drinks upon drinks were bought along with the inevitable pizza purchase and mozzarella sticks and cheese bread and more wine. 

The after party at my place included the aforementioned things along with a drunken decision to ditch a desk outside my apartment building that resulted in getting yelled at by the manager of the halfway house next door.  Then it was on to N'sync videos and a cold, hard reminder that Justin Timberlake's hair when grown out and bleached blond looks exactly like an uncooked package of Top Ramen.  I did not fulfill my initial promise  to my friend Alex of Nintendo gaming, which was the initial reason for the party, but seriously, hooking that shit up would've taken at least ten minutes which is valuable drinking time when you hope to pass out by 2 am. 

I am sad Alex is leaving for Japan next week, but I'm excited for her up and coming modeling career.  I offered to room with her and model together like some kind of wacky/sexy live action manga, but then I remembered the Japanese aren't really low on short, nobby-kneed girls with black hair.  Oh well, I guess all dreams can't come true.   

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

WOW, My Days Off Are Lame

Yesterday on my day off...I spent some of the day cleaning my apartment, part of the day moving the treadmill I borrowed from a friend (and never use) into my bedroom and most of the night organizing my action figures on my comic book shelf.  Then I decided to start a free 10 day trial of the new World of Warcraft: CataclysmThen I contemplated suicide.  Then I watched The Big Bang Theory and had some apple juice and everything was good again.  Huzzah.