Adventures At The Bridgetown Comedy Festival As Re-Told In Numeric Values!

Just got back from the Bridgetown Comedy Festival in Portland and Jesus Christ was it the best thing I've done since the last thing I did that was that awesome (which is not coming to mind at this moment).  If you're a comedian, a comedy fan or a regular person, DO IT NEXT YEAR.  In the meantime, here are my tallies from the festival!

People I saw puking into a trash can: 1
Amount of times I hit my mouth with a microphone: 1
Famous people I danced next to: 4
A stripper told me my Star Trek shirt was awesome: 1
Comics that used "hashtag" as a punchline: 4
Bad edible drug trips people I knew had: 3
Cocktails I ordered with room service: 1 

Awesome interactions with comedy idols: 5
Awkward interactions with comedy idols: 5
Times I beat another comic at Rival Schools: 6
Comedian used the phrase "Your baby is as big as a ramp.": 1
Slices of pizza I consumed: 19
Heckler yelled, "Tell a vegan joke!": 1

Singles I gave  to the dancers at Magic Gardens: 6
Donuts I ate: 2
Bacon cookies I had: 1/2
Money I spent when drunk comic book shopping: $40
Couples I saw that made out and then slow danced during brunch somewhere: 1
People smoking electric cigarettes indoors: 3
Amount of times I thought I'd meet Laura Kightlinger: 0
Amount of times I met Laura Kightlinger: 1
Nudity perpetuated by comedians: 3

Amount of times I got to sing along to a Kelly Clarkson song at full volume next to two of my comedy heroes: 1
Awesome people I met that I want to be friends with for life: INFINITY
Dick jokes that Gallagher told me while spinning around on a sign post: 1

COMING AT 'CHA, IN SPICY NEWS!

This past weekend, while visiting in Portlandia to perform some comedy shows, I had the pleasure and pain of doing a guest spot on one of my FAVORITE comedy web series, THE SPICY NEWS.  If you haven't heard of it, Spicy News is a weekly pop culture wrap up where comedians act as fake news anchors.  Sure, this isn't the first show like that, but the difference here is, before reading their one-liners, the comedians have to eat an ENTIRE, RAW HABANERO PEPPER.  Try to tell a Kardashian pun with your face on flames.  The Portland-based show features several local comics as well as visiting performers and more household names such as Ron Funches and (my favorite person) Kyle Kinane.  The Spicy News Network also offers other delights such as SPICY INTERVIEWS in which comedians are forced to ask each other pointless questions after both have eaten a habanero (you can check out the greatest example of this featuring comedians Chris Thayer and Pete Holmes here).  So without further adieu, here is my dance with the devil aka my episode of The Spicy News...

   

TOP TEN THINGS THATHAPPENED TO ME IN 2012!

I didn't die!

All in all, 2012 was a rather a weird year.  Some great things happened world wide (i.e., President Obama was re-elected, gay marriage was legalized in my home state of Washington, The Avengers movie didn't suck) and a couple of things that were just really shitty happened (the Kardashians continue to be a thing, Republicans said a bunch of horrible things about women and rape in public political settings, mass shootings became uncomfortably prominent, America's Best Dance Crew was cancelled) so and so on.  Although there are a lot of things I could talk about that were great in 2012 (since the bad ones are kind of a downer and it is a drinking night so let's not derail this tragedy train too soon), I have decided to mention for the sake of who cares, MY favorite things that happened to ME in 2012!  So, without further adieu, I give you the one countdown that will matter the least tonight, MY TOP TEN THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME IN 2012 (aka: Get ready mom because you're the only one I know that reads my blog)!

10. A DISNEYLAND VACATION WHERE NO ONE DIED!

Yes, I'm wearing a scarf in the summer.
That fat hump isn't going to hide itself!

This summer, my immediate family, meaning my parents, sister, brother-in-law, niece and my then boyfriend all went on a trip together for one week in Disneyland.  This sort of sounds like a set-up for a filler Saved By the Bell episode, but it was one of the more successful family outings we've ever shared as a group!  No one got lectured for drinking too much, no one had a debate about racism, no one bled unnecessarily, no one broke up and no kids were harmed in the making of this merriment!  Just several rides, California Adventure beers, Pirate dinner shows and episodes of Storage Wars watched in total tranquility!  Also, we all spent a morning watching THE AVENGERS movie at a theater there so I didn't complain about missing it opening weekend the whole time.  I don't know how much more successful this trip could have been other than if I was able to ride the Peter Pan ride more than once or hadn't developed a phobia of strollers.  I did almost die on Soaring Over California, but we can't leave all of our bags of bullshit at home.  
 

9. LEVEL UP! GETS LEGIT!

Me, Corbett and Scott

This year was one of the more important years my comedy group, Children of the Atom has had since its inception.  With the introduction of new member, fellow comic and friend, SCOTT LOSSE, the remaining members, CORBETT CUMMINS and myself finally got the momentum to take the group and our shows more seriously.  With better line ups, more organization and actual COTA merchandise (we've got buttons y'all), we're practically a legit comedy group, sort of!  Thanks, SCOTT, CORBETT and FedEx/Kinkos!

8. I GOT CLOSER TO TALKING TO WILL WHEATON AT COMIC-CON (SORT OF)!

Sooooo clooose.  I actually stood in his meet and greet line this year at Emerald City Comic Con for at least ten minutes before I was frightened off by a half naked smelly lady in a badly crafted Cthulhu outfit.  Oh well, there's always next year.

7. THE ENEMATIC CINEMATIC...LIVES!!

Kevin Clarke, Travis Vogt, Mark Allender, Me

Finally after much non-effort on my part, my most personally anticipated project ever, a monthly live version of my podcast, THE ENEMATIC CINEMATIC, finally got off the ground!  Thanks to the help of TEC regulars, filmmakers/fun dudes TRAVIS VOGT and KEVIN CLARKE who have become my regular co-hosts, producer of all productive things, MARK ALLENDER and the awesome bar that is The White Rabbit in Fremont, THE ENEMATIC CINEMATIC: LIVES!! has been a surprising somewhat success, depending on how you measure those things!  If you like bad movies and hanging out with fun weirdos, you should absolutely see this show.

6. A LOSER GETS A LAPTOP!

Look at this craftsmanship!!

After years of scraping out sub-par comedy advertising images with my dated Microsoft Paint program on my old as shit desk PC (old as in, one of the few things I got in the "divorce"), my mother finally took pity on me and bestowed upon me the use of her new, fancy, superior laptop.  My crappy show posters are brighter and my YouTube videos run smoother thanks to her!  Adulthood achievement UNLOCKED.

5. I FINALLY WENT TO THE DOCTOR AND I'M NOT DYING (I THINK)!

What could go wrong?

Since I have been working 2 to 3 part time jobs in the past year or so, I haven't been able to see a doctor regularly because of the whole, lack of insurance thing.  During this time, my personal panic levels have peaked to an embarrassing degree involving at least one ridiculous call to 9-1-1 when I was sure I wasn't breathing anymore for no reason.  This year, I conjured the courage and made the bus trek all the way to the top of Capitol Hill for an appointment with the low-income clinic, The Country Doctor.  What I found out?  My heart is super healthy, my lungs are fine and I probably need to make an appointment with the "behavioral specialist."

4. HOW DID I MAKE SO MANY COOL FRIENDS?!?

Never fall asleep around friends.
Especially if they're cool.

One of the most important experiences I will take away from this year is the fact that I've met or become close with a staggering amount of really awesome people who I now consider confidants.  I'm not sure how and why these people are okay with my general presence, but here's to hoping I don't weird them out in 2013 ( i.e. GINA MAZANY, SARAH ROSKE, TRIVIASAURUS REX, SCOTT LOSSE, SARAH SKILLING, JENNIFER BURDETTE and an important reconnection with college friend ANORIA, I'm creepily talking about all of you). 

3. PROVIDING COMMENTARY FOR A LIVE SCREENING OF BEASTMASTER WITH DIRECTOR, DON COSCARELLI!

By far, one of the most amazing and memorable things I had the pleasure/opportunity to do this year was to provide comedic commentary over a live screening of BEASTMASTER at Seattle's Crypticon with fellow comedian EMMETT MONTGOMERY and the film's legendary director DON COSCARELLI!!!  As in not only director of BEASTMASTER, but also director of PHANTASM and BUBBA HO-TEP, DON COSCARELLI!!!  We sat, we laughed, we made jokes at Mark Singer's expense and I confessed to Don that as a fat kid in elementary school, BEASTMASTER was one of my favorite movies, causing me to carry around a fanny pack with stuffed foxes/wolves in it and throw them at bullies as if they were ferrets I could control with my animal telepathy and honorable friendship.  Afterward, Don hugged me and told me I was "really funny."  I ALMOST PEED MYSELF TO DEATH, you guys!!  Almost.

2. MY FIRST BIG FEATURE GIG!

One afternoon, I was sitting at home, minding my business (aka watching creepy graphic crime shows alone) and I received a message on FaceBook from one of my favorite comedians, Hari Kondabolu.  This is already pretty exciting as is.  I read the message, then promptly read it over at least 14 more times.  Would I, unknown bucket of farts, Elicia Sanchez, be interested in featuring for amazingly talented and well known comedian, Hari Kondabolu at The Comedy Underground in Seattle for 6 shows in December?  Um, YES!!!  This string of shows turned out to be one of the greatest experiences I've had so far in comedy.  I realized all over again why I started doing this in the first place and I remembered what it was like to enjoy performing.  Thank you, Hari (although I've already thanked you an uncomfortably inhuman amount) and thanks SO MUCH for all my friends and family that came out to see me.  You guys are the greatest people ever.
 

1. I GOT MARRIED AND STUFF...

To the death!!!

There isn't much to say about this other than I couldn't have had a more perfect day with a more perfect dude.  Sure I looked fat as hell, I barely got to eat enough tacos, my family was stuck cooking through most of the reception and it was way too hot out for mandatory Star Trek uniforms, but goddamnit if this sort of thing doesn't remind me how bizarrely lucky I am to have such rad friends and family and the coolest/hottest tall drink of water that I get to call my roommate, I don't know what weddings are supposed to be.  Even if I'm embarrassed by most of the pictures, GREATEST day of my life. 
    

Your Rape Joke Sucks

I am a comedian.  I’m also a lady.  Though I can by all accounts with absolute certainty call myself a lady (it’s genetically true), I always have a slight trepidation when it comes to calling myself a comedian.  It’s not because I really suck at it (I kind of do), but because I hesitate using that term when I’m not in any way a working comedian.  It’s the same sort of feeling I have when some twenty-something tells me they’re an ‘artist.’  I have performed at several places and festivals and I’ve even managed to do feature sets for notable actual comedians, but the fact remains, I can still end up being bumped from an open mic list or relegated to a less than ten minute set at a show produced by friends of mine.  Point being, I have a couple of years of stand-up experience under my belt, but I tend to stay out of conversations about comedy and comedians with other comedians for the sole purpose that although I have an opinion, I know that it may be written off by those people based mostly on my lack of experience in their eyes.  I don’t agree, but I get it.  Comedians are, not surprisingly, a weird group of people.  I suppose I shouldn’t say ALL comedians are weird, because that probably isn’t true, but I can definitely say most of the ones I know (including myself) are in one way or another.  Maybe even more surprisingly, (depending on your views regarding the element of surprise) most comedians are also SUPER SENSITIVE.  I have heard several comics countless times say something along the lines of, “No topics are off limits.”  Agreed.  Yet, those same people will then turn around and tell you that discussing those “topics” they mentioned in their set is in fact, off limits.  Thus, this is where the discussion of shitty jokes involving sensitive topics like sexual orientation, sexism, race or rape gets complicated/hypocritical.

As a lover of comedy and as a comedian, I agree that we should have freedom onstage to say and joke about whatever we want.  I will defend that right to my grave (unless it involves being shot).  It’s something called the First Amendment.  In my pointless pre-law course days of college, I defended the Ku Klux Klan’s right to burn crosses on their property as a protected First Amendment right of free “symbolic” speech in a mock Supreme Court trial.  I won.  I’m still proud of that.  When it comes to freedoms, we must allow the bad in order to protect the good.  If we start to restrict rights based on opinions, this could lead to the restrictions of all of us and freedom becomes lost.  That being said, what I don’t understand, is the idea that you can say whatever you want, but you shouldn’t have to be held accountable for it.  I understand comedy is an art to some degree, but it is an art form laced with opinions and statements.  A racist person has the freedom to say racist things.  In the same vein, a person of color has every right to tell that person what a racist piece of shit they are.  Turns out, this freedom of speech thing works both ways.                 

I mentioned earlier that I was a lady.  That is still true.  It may have seemed pointless at the time, but I mentioned it for a reason.  As a woman, rape is a regular fear and anxiety of my existence.  That doesn’t mean that I look over my shoulder every minute expecting to be raped, but it’s a palpable fear that I will experience in certain scenarios for the remainder of my life.  Rape and sexual assault have practically become a part of puberty for most women.   You’re hyper aware that statistically, it may one day happen to you, if sadly, it hasn’t already.  I have more female friends that are rape victims than not and I myself have experienced different forms of sexual  assault throughout my pre and post adolescence and have fended off what may have lead to rape at least twice.  I don’t mean to say that in any way I’m a courageous person (I honestly found my way out of situations based largely on circumstances that involved another person entering the room) I mention this because since I’ve managed to escape a full on sexual assault up until now, I still feel this feeling of foreboding that it could still be on the horizon for me.  It is a depressing, disgusting and horrifying truth for most women.

Now, that being said, for men, this fear is slight if not non-existent.  Because women fear rape regularly and men may not, this doesn’t mean women are better people or that men haven’t been raped or can’t fathom the fear of being raped or can’t understand how terrifying brutal sexual assault is in all its forms.  What this does mean is that as women, women who have sadly experienced the horror that is sexual assault by a stranger or perceived loved one or carry the traumatizing story of a family member or friend who has experienced it or live with the constant burden of expecting it, DO NOT LIKE TO BE MOCKED ABOUT BEING RAPED, PERIOD.  Rape is NOT FUNNY.   How many fucking times does someone have to say this?  RAPE IS NOT FUNNY.  Somehow, this seems to be lost on people.  There are rape jokes that are funny, but RAPE ITSELF IS NOT FUNNY.

 

I’ll attempt to explain further.  What you are missing here in your hacky, dated act, comedian, is that the butt of the joke should not be the act of rape or how serious people take the act of rape.  Those jokes are not funny because those things are not funny.  Every time you say shit like, “Well, Carlin or Louis C.K. would disagree,” YOU ARE MISSING THE ENTIRE POINT OF EVERYTHING THEY WERE TRYING TO DO!  Smart comedy takes a political topic or social taboo and makes light of that topic or taboo.  Meaning, if you are attempting to make light of the horrors in the world, which is so possible and the entire purpose of great comedy as opposed to generic jokes, make fun of the actual horrible thing.  You are not making fun of rape by making fun of rape victims or how serious people take rape.  Since when should rape not be taken seriously?  What you are doing in both scenarios is mocking women for being raped or fearing rape.  How is this making light of a horrible thing?  If you didn’t know, women not only have to deal with the fear or the act of rape, but also have to deal with this shitty sexist culture that tells us it’s no big deal or that it was somehow our fault.  You know how you actually make people feel better about horrible things like rape and sexist rape culture?  You mock the rapist.  You mock the very idea that rape isn’t a big deal.  That’s how.  You attack the social norms that rape is the fault of the victim and that women should just relax about the whole rape thing.  You know who could really use a laugh about something as controversial and heavy as rape?  WOMEN.  Women are the ones that need you to make light of something so dark for them.  So keep that in mind when you tell your rape joke onstage because honestly, do you want to tell a joke mocking rape victims where the only ones in the crowd laughing are men that agree that rape isn’t a big deal or that women had that shit coming?

I have some rape jokes in my act.  Some I used to tell and some I still do.  Recently I wrote a bit that was based on something that really happened to me.  I was working a late shift at work and had walked over to a local sandwich place on my lunch break.  On the way back to work, a truck started driving really slow beside me as I walked on the sidewalk.  The guy on the passenger side rolled down his window and shouted at me, “You’re so fucking lucky, bitch!  You’re so fucking lucky!”  Then they slowly drove by.  This experience, especially in the moments leading up to him rolling down the window and pausing before they drove away, was FUCKING TERRIFYING.  In that moment, I had that thought most women have in scenarios such as these which was, “These guys are going to rape me.”  The joke I wrote based off the experience went like this:

“…Then, the guy in the passenger side (who is clearly a scrub) rolls down the window and shouts at me, ‘You’re so fucking lucky, bitch! You’re so fucking lucky!’ and they proceed to just…drive off.   So then of course I thought to myself…what did I win?  It couldn’t have been the sandwich I was carrying because I paid for that shit.  Did I win NOT getting sexually assaulted by these gentlemen in this truck?  Like, were they up the street saying to themselves, ‘Oh, we’re totally going to rape this person’ and then when they rolled up thought ‘Wow, you’re so fucking lucky you’re ugly in the face because this rape was IMMINENT from a block away!”

My point to mention that joke isn’t to promote it, I’m not necessarily proud of it or anything, I’m just making the point that I make rape jokes too.  I’m not saying this is an example of a good rape joke, I’m not even saying it’s a good joke.  What I am saying is I made a joke about it because this is a common experience women have and I wanted to make light of something we all fear.  The good news is, it didn’t happen.  The bad news is, we live in a society where that was my first thought.  Jokes involving rape are not in any way off limits in my mind to women OR MEN.  But people have to be responsible for what they say, while still being allowed to say it.  Comedy is in no way, above this.  All I ask, all any decent person asks from your rape jokes is one thing, be smart, but most of all BE FUNNY.