The Top 10 Reasons Why I HATED Hemlock Grove

First, let me start by mentioning I am a HUGE fan of horror.  I have always loved horror films, haunted houses, Halloween, creepy ghost stories, horror comics, horror movie trading cards…just practically anything associated with the horror genre.  Some of my favorites involve movie monsters, with my absolute favorite movie monster of all time being the werewolf.  Recently both a friend and a blog I regularly read recommended watching a new Netflix "original" series titled, Hemlock Grove.  The recommendation basically being that it is a show about werewolves that finally gets werewolves "right," whatever that means.  Also, I was told it was campy and terrible, but incredibly enjoyable to watch.  Camp is already king in my book so if you tell me werewolves are also involved, I'M SOLD.  I then did a minimal amount of research and found that the show centers around a mystery involving a series of brutal murders in a small town where the wealthy well-known, but weirdo Godfrey family and the new mysterious "gypsy" mother and son who roll in unwelcome, quickly all become suspects.  Um, vampires vs. werewolves, anyone???  So, the other night I turned on the Netflix was was prepared to be entertained.  Let me go ahead and skip ahead now...the OPPOSITE happened.  I hated this series.  I hated it so much I didn't think I could hate a show as much as I hated this show.  Before you say, "Did you watch the whole season?" the answer is yes, yes, I did AND I FUCKING HATED IT. 

Let me point out that I do not have high standards whatsoever when it comes to T.V. or film.  I like terrible, terrible things.  I'm up for terrible acting mixed with bad special effects mixed with gratuitous sex scenes as much as the next B-movie lover, but Hemlock Grove is the worst kind of terrible.  It manages to have a ridiculous over the top plot while still containing incredibly long stretches of boring that all lead up to massive amounts of disappointment.  To break it down much more quickly and concisely than the show's script writers attempted to, here are my Top Ten Reasons I HATED Hemlock Grove.  I should warn you now, if you haven't seen this show and intend to, don't bother, also spoilers ahead.    

10.  Dear This Guy, You're Not Your Brother

I know there are a lot of weirdos out there that watch True Blood (aka adult Twilight) and this series is blatantly trying to cater to those people's creepy, secondary needs.  Even though I'm not a True Blood fan (because, you know, FAIRY PROSTITUTES), I am still painfully aware that Bill Skarsgard as spoiled, time capsuled James Deanesque butthole teenage vampire, Roman Godfrey (who at some point is snorting coke AND smoking pot while taking a bath because, duh, his self indulgence KNOWS NO BOUNDS) is in fact, NOT even close to touching the sexually attractive level his brother, Alexander has reached as the most vampiric viking of Louisiana.  Also, please stop with the duck face.  You're embarrassing everybody.    

"Hey, what's up?  Oh, nothing, just being this guy.  Oh, my brother?  Yeah, I know, stupid."

P.S. Dear people that are aroused by vampires because they are controlling and abusive to women - please seek therapy.

9.  Tons Of Sex...You Never See

This show has a lot of sex scenes.  Most are totally unnecessary, kind of like sex in general, but lots of sex scenes are unnecessary in film and television.  Either way, it is a horror series mixed with a murder mystery thriller dealing with bestial monster crap and there are a decent amount of sexy people on screen, so of course there should be a bunch of sex scenes.  Hemlock Grove manages to fit them in of course, in fact, one of the first scenes of the pilot involves car sex, but from there on, the scenes keep happening, but we never really see them again.  Most of what we get are slow shots, creeping up on a car or a door or a wall with the loud sounds of sex screams behind it, but by the time we reach the characters, the deed is done.  What is the point of a bunch of gratuitous sex if we can't see the actual sex???  BORING.

    

8.  World's Worst Fake British Accent

If you are a non-British person, do you know that accent you did as a kid when you were playing Jeeves the Butler, making fun of those period dramas your mom watched or re-enacting that Grey Poupon commercial?  Well, even if you don't remember, it's still better than Famke Janssen's as Godfrey matriarch, Olivia.  Seriously, do one aloud right now.  I can't even hear you and I guarantee it's better.  If you don't believe me, click here ya ol' tossah!   

7.  The Complete Waste Of Lili Taylor

Poor Lili Taylor.  She is such a great actress with a potentially cool character here and is blatantly misused.  Sure she's just the mother of a werewolf, but she could also be one herself and that would be an awesome story arc.  Come on, even if they're were, wolves always travel in packs, right?  At least Lili as Lynda Rumancek, Peter (THE WOLF'S) mother is the only seemingly sane and normal person on the show.  Also, the only woman who is remains unmurdered and unmaimed.  So I guess there's that?  

6.  Some Of The Least Endearing Terrible WTF Dialogue Ever Written On Paper

You remember how Dawson's Creek tried to re-write teenage dialogue to make it their own and when you watched it you were like, this is not how people talk, but found it charming anyway?  Yeah, me either.  In Hemlock Grove, instead of making the teens sound like socially awkward, bookish theater nerds, they want you to know they're really small town and stupid.  Also, they like word cunt.  A lot.  

Here are some general gems:

Peter: "...This is a strange town, you can feel it in your balls." 

Roman [when he is sad]: "...Make your heart steel...make your heart steel."  

Olivia [to Roman on gypsies]: "...They will steal the rings from your fingers and the love from your heart."

Peter: "...Werewolf is pretty racist.  I prefer sexy man-beast."

I think they thought if the dialogue was trashy and or douchey, it would be some sort of 80's slasher movie throwback.  At least, I think they thought that.  The problem is, the setting isn't a cabin in the woods or a locked up shopping mall with a bunch of drunk popular teens, but a bad Twin Peaks murder mystery rip off with a cast of older loner "teenagers" and a bunch of parents so...maybe just stick with the regular bad dialogue?  It's already bad enough. 

   

5.  So, What Is This Here For? 

The Godfrey Institute is a giant building that is owned by the Godfrey's and carries out genetic experiments, I guess.  No time is really spent on this to any level of an interesting degree.  Also, murders happen here sometimes.   

Roman's sister/Olivia's youngest daughter is a franken-teen, presumably.  Her name is Shelley (GET IT).  She slobbers, walks weird, has a cyclops eyeball and one of her arms is always bandaged.  I guess this is a Mummy shout out.  Her big scene is trying to order a salad in a restaurant when her mom wants her to eat a steak.  Also, she buys earrings later.  

4.  Stretching It Out...And Out...And Out

Wait, so who is this?  What's happening?  Why is everyone just fucking standing around?  Can that guy just turn into a fucking vampire already???  According to Hemlock Grove, silence is golden, so is creating giant gaps between were-transformations, vampirism and anything that resembles a plot.

 

3.  Angel Incest Rape As A Plot Device

Roman has a blonde/virginal cousin named Letha.  They are creepily and uncomfortably close for cousins.  Initially I wrote this off as the fact they were obviously weirdo vampires so I guess that's just what they do, except Letha's purpose in the plot isn't to be blood brothers with her cousin, it's so she can have a dream where she's raped by an angel, only to find out that the angel was actually her cousin Roman, who raped her under his mother's vampire mind control.  For some reason this was necessary to the plot, mostly to see Letha in a white nightie, prove that Olivia is jealous and conniving and to have a reason to kill another female character later on.  Roman, of course, is seen to be without blame even though HE RAPED HIS COUSIN.  What, it's not like he meant to, you guys!  

2. Seriously Sickening Amounts Of Slut Shaming

For a series chalk full of female characters, Hemlock Grove really hates women.  No, REALLY hates women.  The major plot point of the series is solving the brutal murders of several young girls by a rampaging wolf.  Not coincidentally, these victims also happen to be the only women who express any sense of healthy sexuality or engage in average teenage sexual promiscuity.  Sure, most horror movies have this underlying misogynistic tone of slut shaming or punishing "sinful" teens, but in Hemlock Grove, Roman is seen gallivanting around town boning ladies in his Jaguar all willy nill, of which he of course walks away undead (pun), sexed and satisfied, while the women end up gutted and torn apart for their part in the bone parade.  In fact, the first woman murdered is not only the first girl shown having sex with Roman, but is later killed when trying to meet up with her teacher with whom she is allegedly having a, SHOCK, "lesbian affair."  In fact, she is not the only lesbian gay-shamed in the series.  Another female character who is an investigator/supernatural beast slayer is "revealed" to be a lesbian in her opening scene and is later filleted alive by, yep, another lady, this time Olivia.  This series not only likes to slut shame and hammer home that women are manipulative and irresponsible both with their emotions and their bodies, but also the idea that all women hate other women.

Once the killer is revealed, it turns out to be prudish/bookish Christina who admits she made a point of tearing apart the women "snatch first" (a phrase that is fucking used in the show) as a punishment for their "disgusting, whorish behavior."   Don't worry though, Christina is killed too (by another woman) a short time after she mentions that turning into a wolf "...must be what it feels like to cum."  Yeah.  Olivia is the only character seen sexing often without instant fatal consequences, of course, instead of having sex for normal, healthy reasons, as the girls that were killed did, she uses sex as a manipulative tool, which I guess is okay in the script writer's eyes, you know, cause that's what women do.  

Of the main female characters, Letha and Christina last the longest, presumably due to their virtuous un-sexed states of being, but once Christina reveals she likes orgasms and Letha births her product of incest rape, those characters are dispatched as well, Christina by a neck-breaking Shelley and Letha possibly by her unborn child which is hinted at being a girl.  Once it all wraps up (sort of), practically all of the female characters of the series are murdered, even including manipulative matriarch, Olivia, who is killed at the hands of her son after they make out.  A scene in which he tears out her tongue with newly acquire vampire teeth and his parting words to her as she lay dying are, "...you talk too much."  Ugh, women!  In the end, the only main female character left standing is poor, awkward Franken-Shelley who luckily can't speak, attract men or fornicate, therefore being incapable of manipulation or witchery according to the minds of the male script writers.  She is shot twice in the back though before the credits roll...so technically she could be dead too.      

 

1.  Werewolves That Turn Into Wolves

The most of what critics, bloggers and bad friends are cooing about when it comes to this series are the awesome werewolf transformations.  I won't completely disagree, the transformations are kind of cool.  What these people fail to mention, is following a brutal and pretty cool transformation scene is not a human ripped apart and turned into a bad ass werewolf, but a human ripped apart and turned into a regular, run of the mill, steak and potatoes wolf.  Like, just a wolf that looks like a wolf in the woods.  WTF????  

This is one of the biggest lead ups to one of the most disappointing werewolf transformations EVER.  So their eyeballs pop out, their skin rips apart, their back appears to be breaking, Wolverine-like claws protrude from their knuckles and they scream in pure agony...only to have them turn into a timber wolf/Alaskan Malamute that adorably licks pieces of their fake former skin prosthetic on the ground???  Fuck you, Hemlock Grove.  I sat through two fucking terrible episodes of duck face and British accent all for THIS???  Even in Twilight, where the werewolves were just wolves, they were at least really large wolves.  You can check out Peter's transformation clip below:  

By the way, does wolf face coming out of man face only to turn into a generic wolf sound familiar to any other werewolf lovers??  Yep, it was one of the biggest disappointments in 1984 British B-movie, The Company of Wolves.  Remember the cover of that movie?  It promised to be one of the coolest werewolf transformations ever seen!  Until you rented it, sat through a bunch of British drama and ended up with an awesome transformation...into a Husky.  So, not only is Hemlock Grove terrible, terrible werewolf story writing, but it's literally been done terribly already over almost 30 YEARS AGO.

Ultimately, Hemlock Grove taught me a lot of things; massive misogyny is not only still mainstream and blatant, but extremely unapologetic, I have terrible friends and Netflix should stick to airing shows and movies they don't make.  Also, the Skarsgards.  What's their deal?    

Adventures At The Bridgetown Comedy Festival As Re-Told In Numeric Values!

Just got back from the Bridgetown Comedy Festival in Portland and Jesus Christ was it the best thing I've done since the last thing I did that was that awesome (which is not coming to mind at this moment).  If you're a comedian, a comedy fan or a regular person, DO IT NEXT YEAR.  In the meantime, here are my tallies from the festival!

People I saw puking into a trash can: 1
Amount of times I hit my mouth with a microphone: 1
Famous people I danced next to: 4
A stripper told me my Star Trek shirt was awesome: 1
Comics that used "hashtag" as a punchline: 4
Bad edible drug trips people I knew had: 3
Cocktails I ordered with room service: 1 

Awesome interactions with comedy idols: 5
Awkward interactions with comedy idols: 5
Times I beat another comic at Rival Schools: 6
Comedian used the phrase "Your baby is as big as a ramp.": 1
Slices of pizza I consumed: 19
Heckler yelled, "Tell a vegan joke!": 1

Singles I gave  to the dancers at Magic Gardens: 6
Donuts I ate: 2
Bacon cookies I had: 1/2
Money I spent when drunk comic book shopping: $40
Couples I saw that made out and then slow danced during brunch somewhere: 1
People smoking electric cigarettes indoors: 3
Amount of times I thought I'd meet Laura Kightlinger: 0
Amount of times I met Laura Kightlinger: 1
Nudity perpetuated by comedians: 3

Amount of times I got to sing along to a Kelly Clarkson song at full volume next to two of my comedy heroes: 1
Awesome people I met that I want to be friends with for life: INFINITY
Dick jokes that Gallagher told me while spinning around on a sign post: 1

COMING AT 'CHA, IN SPICY NEWS!

This past weekend, while visiting in Portlandia to perform some comedy shows, I had the pleasure and pain of doing a guest spot on one of my FAVORITE comedy web series, THE SPICY NEWS.  If you haven't heard of it, Spicy News is a weekly pop culture wrap up where comedians act as fake news anchors.  Sure, this isn't the first show like that, but the difference here is, before reading their one-liners, the comedians have to eat an ENTIRE, RAW HABANERO PEPPER.  Try to tell a Kardashian pun with your face on flames.  The Portland-based show features several local comics as well as visiting performers and more household names such as Ron Funches and (my favorite person) Kyle Kinane.  The Spicy News Network also offers other delights such as SPICY INTERVIEWS in which comedians are forced to ask each other pointless questions after both have eaten a habanero (you can check out the greatest example of this featuring comedians Chris Thayer and Pete Holmes here).  So without further adieu, here is my dance with the devil aka my episode of The Spicy News...

   

TOP TEN THINGS THATHAPPENED TO ME IN 2012!

I didn't die!

All in all, 2012 was a rather a weird year.  Some great things happened world wide (i.e., President Obama was re-elected, gay marriage was legalized in my home state of Washington, The Avengers movie didn't suck) and a couple of things that were just really shitty happened (the Kardashians continue to be a thing, Republicans said a bunch of horrible things about women and rape in public political settings, mass shootings became uncomfortably prominent, America's Best Dance Crew was cancelled) so and so on.  Although there are a lot of things I could talk about that were great in 2012 (since the bad ones are kind of a downer and it is a drinking night so let's not derail this tragedy train too soon), I have decided to mention for the sake of who cares, MY favorite things that happened to ME in 2012!  So, without further adieu, I give you the one countdown that will matter the least tonight, MY TOP TEN THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME IN 2012 (aka: Get ready mom because you're the only one I know that reads my blog)!

10. A DISNEYLAND VACATION WHERE NO ONE DIED!

Yes, I'm wearing a scarf in the summer.
That fat hump isn't going to hide itself!

This summer, my immediate family, meaning my parents, sister, brother-in-law, niece and my then boyfriend all went on a trip together for one week in Disneyland.  This sort of sounds like a set-up for a filler Saved By the Bell episode, but it was one of the more successful family outings we've ever shared as a group!  No one got lectured for drinking too much, no one had a debate about racism, no one bled unnecessarily, no one broke up and no kids were harmed in the making of this merriment!  Just several rides, California Adventure beers, Pirate dinner shows and episodes of Storage Wars watched in total tranquility!  Also, we all spent a morning watching THE AVENGERS movie at a theater there so I didn't complain about missing it opening weekend the whole time.  I don't know how much more successful this trip could have been other than if I was able to ride the Peter Pan ride more than once or hadn't developed a phobia of strollers.  I did almost die on Soaring Over California, but we can't leave all of our bags of bullshit at home.  
 

9. LEVEL UP! GETS LEGIT!

Me, Corbett and Scott

This year was one of the more important years my comedy group, Children of the Atom has had since its inception.  With the introduction of new member, fellow comic and friend, SCOTT LOSSE, the remaining members, CORBETT CUMMINS and myself finally got the momentum to take the group and our shows more seriously.  With better line ups, more organization and actual COTA merchandise (we've got buttons y'all), we're practically a legit comedy group, sort of!  Thanks, SCOTT, CORBETT and FedEx/Kinkos!

8. I GOT CLOSER TO TALKING TO WILL WHEATON AT COMIC-CON (SORT OF)!

Sooooo clooose.  I actually stood in his meet and greet line this year at Emerald City Comic Con for at least ten minutes before I was frightened off by a half naked smelly lady in a badly crafted Cthulhu outfit.  Oh well, there's always next year.

7. THE ENEMATIC CINEMATIC...LIVES!!

Kevin Clarke, Travis Vogt, Mark Allender, Me

Finally after much non-effort on my part, my most personally anticipated project ever, a monthly live version of my podcast, THE ENEMATIC CINEMATIC, finally got off the ground!  Thanks to the help of TEC regulars, filmmakers/fun dudes TRAVIS VOGT and KEVIN CLARKE who have become my regular co-hosts, producer of all productive things, MARK ALLENDER and the awesome bar that is The White Rabbit in Fremont, THE ENEMATIC CINEMATIC: LIVES!! has been a surprising somewhat success, depending on how you measure those things!  If you like bad movies and hanging out with fun weirdos, you should absolutely see this show.

6. A LOSER GETS A LAPTOP!

Look at this craftsmanship!!

After years of scraping out sub-par comedy advertising images with my dated Microsoft Paint program on my old as shit desk PC (old as in, one of the few things I got in the "divorce"), my mother finally took pity on me and bestowed upon me the use of her new, fancy, superior laptop.  My crappy show posters are brighter and my YouTube videos run smoother thanks to her!  Adulthood achievement UNLOCKED.

5. I FINALLY WENT TO THE DOCTOR AND I'M NOT DYING (I THINK)!

What could go wrong?

Since I have been working 2 to 3 part time jobs in the past year or so, I haven't been able to see a doctor regularly because of the whole, lack of insurance thing.  During this time, my personal panic levels have peaked to an embarrassing degree involving at least one ridiculous call to 9-1-1 when I was sure I wasn't breathing anymore for no reason.  This year, I conjured the courage and made the bus trek all the way to the top of Capitol Hill for an appointment with the low-income clinic, The Country Doctor.  What I found out?  My heart is super healthy, my lungs are fine and I probably need to make an appointment with the "behavioral specialist."

4. HOW DID I MAKE SO MANY COOL FRIENDS?!?

Never fall asleep around friends.
Especially if they're cool.

One of the most important experiences I will take away from this year is the fact that I've met or become close with a staggering amount of really awesome people who I now consider confidants.  I'm not sure how and why these people are okay with my general presence, but here's to hoping I don't weird them out in 2013 ( i.e. GINA MAZANY, SARAH ROSKE, TRIVIASAURUS REX, SCOTT LOSSE, SARAH SKILLING, JENNIFER BURDETTE and an important reconnection with college friend ANORIA, I'm creepily talking about all of you). 

3. PROVIDING COMMENTARY FOR A LIVE SCREENING OF BEASTMASTER WITH DIRECTOR, DON COSCARELLI!

By far, one of the most amazing and memorable things I had the pleasure/opportunity to do this year was to provide comedic commentary over a live screening of BEASTMASTER at Seattle's Crypticon with fellow comedian EMMETT MONTGOMERY and the film's legendary director DON COSCARELLI!!!  As in not only director of BEASTMASTER, but also director of PHANTASM and BUBBA HO-TEP, DON COSCARELLI!!!  We sat, we laughed, we made jokes at Mark Singer's expense and I confessed to Don that as a fat kid in elementary school, BEASTMASTER was one of my favorite movies, causing me to carry around a fanny pack with stuffed foxes/wolves in it and throw them at bullies as if they were ferrets I could control with my animal telepathy and honorable friendship.  Afterward, Don hugged me and told me I was "really funny."  I ALMOST PEED MYSELF TO DEATH, you guys!!  Almost.

2. MY FIRST BIG FEATURE GIG!

One afternoon, I was sitting at home, minding my business (aka watching creepy graphic crime shows alone) and I received a message on FaceBook from one of my favorite comedians, Hari Kondabolu.  This is already pretty exciting as is.  I read the message, then promptly read it over at least 14 more times.  Would I, unknown bucket of farts, Elicia Sanchez, be interested in featuring for amazingly talented and well known comedian, Hari Kondabolu at The Comedy Underground in Seattle for 6 shows in December?  Um, YES!!!  This string of shows turned out to be one of the greatest experiences I've had so far in comedy.  I realized all over again why I started doing this in the first place and I remembered what it was like to enjoy performing.  Thank you, Hari (although I've already thanked you an uncomfortably inhuman amount) and thanks SO MUCH for all my friends and family that came out to see me.  You guys are the greatest people ever.
 

1. I GOT MARRIED AND STUFF...

To the death!!!

There isn't much to say about this other than I couldn't have had a more perfect day with a more perfect dude.  Sure I looked fat as hell, I barely got to eat enough tacos, my family was stuck cooking through most of the reception and it was way too hot out for mandatory Star Trek uniforms, but goddamnit if this sort of thing doesn't remind me how bizarrely lucky I am to have such rad friends and family and the coolest/hottest tall drink of water that I get to call my roommate, I don't know what weddings are supposed to be.  Even if I'm embarrassed by most of the pictures, GREATEST day of my life.