Monday, July 29, 2013

Top Ten Things I Will Do Once I Finally Patent My Plastic Gun-Shaped Reusable Tampon Applicator 'The Cooter Shooter' And Become A Billionaire:

1.  Stop buying all my jeans from Old Navy.  I will now be purchasing fat jeans from H&M.  My extravagance WILL KNOW NO BOUNDS.

2.  Start spending the extra $10 to order Thai delivery food instead of pizza sandwiches.  I realize the level of decadence is reaching inhuman heights.

3.  Start buying Burt's Bee's facial tomato cleansing toner to pair with my tomato face bar and I won't even think of returning it, even if I barely use the bottle.

4.  Buy condiments for my fridge, SO MANY CONDIMENTS.  Some I don't even need like a jar of dill-flavored honey mustard, JUST IN CASE I think of dipping a piece of cheese in something other than stone ground.

5.  Probably get my expired IUD removed.

6.  Buy three copies of A League of Their Own on VHS, not for the movie, but for the charming video-only commercial of old ladies tossing around pasta bags like they're baseballs.  It's so goddamn charming.

7.  Buy three ponies.  One to ride, one to look at and one to talk to.  Scratch that, four ponies.

8.  Create a website that only displays GIFs of Pirates of the Carribean characters Jack Sparrow and Will Turner passionately embracing.  It will be my own personal Sodom and Gomorrah.
9.  Spearhead a campaign to force Pizza Hut to once again sell plastic hand puppets of beloved cartoon characters.  The first run will be a '90's Nostalgia' themed collection of a mixture of The Land Before Time and Eureeka's Castle.

10.  Buy Michael Chiklis, force him to dress up as the Thing and constantly follow me around for the sole purpose of saying "It's Clobbering Time" every time it's clobbering time. 


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